


Borrowed Time

by indistinct_echo



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Aging, Introspection, M/M, birthday angst, implied past suicidal thoughts, plot is entirely a mental journey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:22:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24770797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indistinct_echo/pseuds/indistinct_echo
Summary: "Aging is certainly better than the alternative, but the weighted baggage of birthdays means that, today, Dan needs to exert a little extra effort to keep himself afloat."
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 12
Kudos: 46





	Borrowed Time

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "[Borrowed Time](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WggUweuTFxg)" by John Lennon.

There’s something a little weird about birthdays, something a little uncomfortable.

Some years, Dan can pass the day by without getting stuck in those emotions that threaten to overwhelm. And, on the very best of birthdays, when he’s too busy in bed with Phil or out with friends or somewhat excitedly panicking about the only-two-days-away venture into the next chapter of his life, he doesn’t even feel them at all.

But Dan can’t always get away with ignoring that niggling taunt in the back of his mind. Though time has shifted its tone from a constant high-pitched alarm to the intermittent beeping of a smoke detector in need of a new battery, the noise is still there. Especially on his birthday.

It’s not the concept of birthdays in general that is the problem, Dan knows. It’s just that, well, he really never thought _he_ would have so many.

And he’s thankful, so thankful, for this life that he has and for this most recent year of growth and courage and love. He doesn’t regret his choices, even on his worst days.

But he recognizes and, on occasion, can’t help but agonize over the fact that this life wasn’t part of the plan. He is living on borrowed time, and the lack of mental ownership is disorienting.

The synchronicity of his baffling rise on YouTube with the uncertain start of his most cherished relationship thrust him heart-first into the darkness of adulthood without even a fantasy image of his future in mind. Any potential plans of his were erased from his imagination long ago so as to save himself the disappointment of not living up to them.

Dan is generally not dissatisfied with the almost incidental version of adulthood that he’s been able to cobble together these past few years. But the steady passage of time sits heavy on his shoulders like he’s strapped to a bomb counting down until when he'll be thrown into the sort of miserably ordinary life that an adult is supposed to lead. He’s almost thirty; he’ll be old any day now.

And, this year, he doesn’t have any distractions from the tick-tick-ticking timer and the sudden alarms in his head and Phil singing off key and the staticky sounds of FaceTime and phone calls and... his thoughts.

Even sitting on the bathroom floor with the locked door against his slumped back and the tap running steadily, he can’t block out his thoughts; they are louder than _everything_.

Dan knows that it is mere coincidence that he has to spend this birthday indoors, but he recognizes the irony that it’s this year he can’t quite escape from his thoughts or his flat in celebration of his last year of being free.

Freedom is something that only young people have, apparently. Dan feels like he’s grasping for the tail-end of freedom’s comet, hoping that solo endeavors will help him stretch his wings for just a little bit longer.

Commitment isn’t all bad, Dan can readily admit, and he’s beyond grateful for Phil and the relationship they have. But he knows that, with time, he might lose sight of how meaningful he considers the bond between them to be. Like water wearing away rock, the extraordinary becomes the mundane becomes the worthless.

Dan shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the thought; he can’t go back to feeling worthless.

He won’t.

So, he’s not going to give in. He is not going to let his well-meaning audience, the sensationalist media, or the youth-obsessed society dictate what Dan is or isn’t allowed to do for his own enjoyment. He’s a fucking adult, after all.

If he goes a little overboard on Twitter or is maybe a tad too secretive for his own benefit, those are his mistakes to make. It is up to him to decide if those even _are_ mistakes. If he chooses to wait a few days before looking at the fan art for his birthday because it hits a little too close to the inevitability-of-death spiral that he’s already tiptoeing around the edge of, well, he only really needs to answer to himself.

He is always learning and growing and finding new ways to experience this life that perhaps isn’t borrowed but with which he was gifted. It’s _his_.

And, if he wants to appreciate that, like he wants to appreciate Phil each and every day of their shared lives, he needs to maintain the open vulnerability that comes from expressing his deepest emotions. People might find it comical that he’s still so sappy about his partner at this age, that he contains a zest for life which is not-so-subtly hidden under his sarcastic exterior, but being authentic is the only option Dan is willing to consider. Feeling and expressing his love are the best methods he has of ensuring its continued power.

Water doesn’t wear away stone until it’s nothing but rather carves out unique sculptures — _monuments_ — from otherwise ordinary rocks. Time is a testament to the strength of their relationship against the winds and the ever-flowing water, and the rough patches they’ve navigated over the years form strata which show just how far they’ve already come.

Dan’s birthday is really not that different from any other day. Birthdays are nearly arbitrary, after all, and, especially this year, nothing about today looks materially different from yesterday or the day before that.

And aging is certainly better than the alternative, but the weighted baggage of birthdays means that, today, Dan needs to exert a little extra effort to keep himself afloat. On days like this, when he gets stuck in the darkness of expectations and criticism and self-loathing, he needs to work through the existential thought process more explicitly so that he can logic himself out of his own head and confirm he’s on the right track; while Dan may not have a vision of what his future looks like, he sure as hell knows who he’d like to be in it and how he wants to feel as he experiences every moment of this wonderful life in his possession.

Dan stands up and stretches until his back doesn’t hurt — one aspect of aging for which he hasn’t quite found a positive spin. He turns off the tap and the water stops.

And with it, just for a moment, so does time.

**Author's Note:**

> Say hi on [tumblr](https://indistinct-echo.tumblr.com/post/621181701299847168/borrowed-time)!


End file.
